You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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