You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
