So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
