mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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