didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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