Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize