worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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