her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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