My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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