He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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