You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
