When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
