When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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