She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
