Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
