Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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