It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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