Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
so much tequila, so little girl.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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