remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street