If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!