I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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