my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
