we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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