she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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