You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
