when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
