All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
