Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
