Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
