a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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