I wish my penis had an off switch
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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