There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
