i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
