I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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