he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
