I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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