Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
