Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
