I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
