Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
