i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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