Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My bed smells like the plague
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