did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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