got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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