a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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