Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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