Soap is not a condiment
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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