two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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