apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
