Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
