He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
