I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
