you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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