I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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