My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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