If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
