Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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