Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
